No doubt about it.  Holidays just seems to bring out the best... or the worst... in families.  Why is it that, when we go home, many of us either revert back to our childhood roles the minute we walk in the door or end up switching roles with our parents, trying to give them all kinds of advice in the short span of a long weekend?  At what point does it change, from the former to the latter?  Or is it just a slow progression in time?

This holiday season, with anywhere from two to five generations gathered together, let’s focus on what we can do to ensure that our family is moving in a healthy and proper direction. 

With people living longer, the economic roller coaster, healthcare needs growing and weather patterns causing almost monthly calamities, families need to band together even more, to emotionally and sometimes even financially support each other.  While easy to say, here are seven ways to help make your holiday as “drama-free” as possible.

1, Learn to listen. Yes, there will always be the person who wants to monopolize the conversation, while others will be perfectly content sinking back into their chairs, tweeting and being invisible. But it’s equally important that everyone get a chance to tell their story...or be encouraged to share their opinion...for more than one reason.  Communication is critical during crises and it’s the times when family gets together for holidays that can serve as a training ground for fostering better relationships during tough times.  Try to learn about each other’s likes, dislikes, fears and dreams. Keep your sense of humor. Try patience. Try tolerance. 
 
2, Check your “Judgment” hat at the door. Remember that there are always three sides to every story; yours, theirs and the truth, which is somewhere in the middle. Key to family harmony is learning to agree to disagree. For this one weekend, put aside the arguments.

3, Observe. This is a great time – especially if you’re at your folks’ house – to be sure there’s no expired food in the fridge, that there are no area rugs that someone could trip on, that your parents look clean, are dressed neatly, smell good and are mentally alert. If parents come to your home, watch to see how well and how quickly they acclimate to their surroundings; watch them as they go up the stairs, around corners, get up from chairs.

4, Check your smartphone at the counter before you sit down to eat. The biggest complaints I get from seniors is that the younger generation doesn’t focus on them anymore.  They can’t even look them in the eye, because they’re too busy, even at the dinner table, looking down, texting or playing a game.  Come on...for 2 short hours, you can survive without that mobile device!

5, Start “The Talks”. Yes, this can be a bit dicey, but there are ways to make it happen that are non-threatening. Find an interesting article that you’ve read; I wrote one for Forbes called “Are You Gambling With Your Family’s Medical Decisions?” It’s a great icebreaker for talking about healthcare directives with your parents, because the article focuses on the 18 year olds and unmarried young adults, not the seniors and how HIPAA prevents parents from being able to make any decisions or even have any knowledge of their 18+ year olds’ medical issues. 

I also wrote an article about unclaimed property.  Did you know that there is between $40 and $400 billion of unclaimed property sitting with US state governments and that you can check to see if you have any...for free..and claim it...for free? Even an 8 year old can get into the act...just have them go to missingmoney.com and type in each family member’s name.

That can start an entire conversation about where people like to hide things and the importance of having things written down. That can lead to talking about starting a family project, like a home inventory. Everyone can participate, the skills to be used are boundless and grandkids can learn the stories behind why certain items purchased and even research what they might be worth.

6, Set an example. You can’t expect your children to sit at the table, undistracted, if you’re constantly checking your emails. You can’t expect your parents to even broach the subject of wills and healthcare directives if you don’t have your own affairs in order. A casual mention that you’re in the process of creating a will, considering what kind of insurance you should have, getting your adult children to give you their notarized healthcare directives and even trying to consider if you should be an organ donor are all ways to gently bring up issues that can allow you to hear others’ opinions on the topic and set the stage for later, more meaningful conversations.  

7, Enjoy your family.  With everything we don’t say, make a concerted effort to say “I love you” more often to the people you really do love.  It’s the most valuable gift you can give...and it costs nothing! Oh what I’d give to be able to hug my mom and dad, just one more time, and tell them that I love them and hear them say it back to me!   My mom was killed instantly in a car accident in 1994.  She was 71 years old.  My dad passed away in 2008, after having survived the accident but having lost his executive level skills.  That was when our roles got reversed.  While people are living longer, people are also more distracted and distance themselves from their loved ones, physically and emotionally.  Make this holiday a time where, when everyone leaves, they’re smiling and saying, happily, “See you again, real soon!”

About the author
Carol R Kaufmanthe is creator of both the Small Business Roadmap and CBData® Business & Life Inventory™ Solutions, a combination of software and services to help consolidate important personal and small business information into one safe, secure location. Her first product, InvesTier®, was acquired by SunGard in 2002. An entrepreneur for over 35 years, Ms. Kaufman’s specialties include public speaking, training and software/service-based solutions to organizational problems. She resides in Hawthorne, NJ and East Otis, MA.